Captain Marvel knocks misogyny the fuck out, and Other Box Office News.
Note: a version of this article originally ran on Set the Tape (link).
Shortly before I sat down to write this, YouTube’s bizarre, unknowable and garbage algorithm vomited a video from mid-February entitled “How Brie Larson Cost Marvel One Hundred Million Dollars,” with a thumbnail that screams ominously in all-caps “THE END OF MARVEL,” into my recommended pile. Ordinarily, I’d just treat it as a recurring annoyance and become momentarily upset about the fact that a conscience-less algorithm which harvests my data doesn’t really know me at all; after all, if it did know me then maybe it would stop trying to get me to watch Anthony Fantano videos. But in this particular instance, since it occurred just after I opened up this week’s Box Office results, I started chuckling maniacally to myself because, oh hey whaddya know, turns out a super-loud and super-whiney subset of pathetic man-children cannot singlehandedly bring down the latest instalment in a globally-beloved too-big-to-fail mega-franchise just because it’s not explicitly aimed at them and its lead actress won’t hold her tongue against their (and the film industry’s collective) bullshit.
So, the facts: Captain Marvel is your #1 film in America for the weekend, bringing in an estimated $153 million which is good enough for the third-biggest March opening of all-time domestically, behind Batman v. Superman ($166 million) and live-action Beauty and the Beast ($174.7 million). That is also the 18th biggest opening weekend of all-time domestically with it having a potential shot at pushing past Rogue One for the #17 spot ($155 million) when Actuals roll in, the seventh-biggest MCU opening weekend yet, and the best opening weekend ever for a debuting solo MCU movie (if you exclude Black Panther since T’Challa first appeared in Captain America: Civil War). Internationally, Oh Captain My Captain rolled out simultaneously into every single major territory – save for Japan, it’ll debut there next week – a release tactic which, funnily enough, led to an uber-successful weekend *side-eyes literally every single film that gets a delayed UK release for no goddamn reason*. Its collective $302 million haul across all those markets makes The Marvellous Mrs. Danvers the proud owner (however briefly) of the fifth-biggest International opening weekend of all-time, most notably bringing in $89.3 million from China (the third-highest MCU opening there behind Wars Infinity and Civil), and the overall $455 million total being the sixth best worldwide opening weekend ever. Oh, and for whatever it’s worth (which is admittedly not much), there’s also an “A” grade Cinemascore as the cherry on top.
Y’know, one does not consider having to wade into and report on the utterly insipid and soul-draining Culture Wars, especially when the stuff everyone is arguing over and turning into political lightning rods is just ok, to be “fun.” But this right here does indeed put a smile on my face.
Completely unsurprisingly, nothing else dared to open Wide this weekend against Brie Larson Beats the Shit Out of Bad Guys but what is surprising is how not even the Limited Releases could stand up to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy and its $35,499 per-screen average (from 4,310 screens). That includes venerated indie royalty A24 whose Gloria Bell, an English-language remake of and by Sebastián Lelio’s 2013 Chilean-Spanish romance drama Gloria, could only manage a measly $30,955 per-screen average from its 5 screens; a total of $154,775 that’s chump-change in indie royalty circles, you couldn’t even sufficiently over-tip the barista at your local independent coffee house with that kind of money! A bit more of a moderate release, Vincent D’Onofrio’s second feature-length attempt at directing, western The Kid, was ran out of this one-horse town to the tune of $505,000 from 268 screens. Whilst on the borderline, Indian mystery-thriller Badla picked up $614,328 from 94 screens, a total that gets the film closer to the Top 10 of this week than one might have expected. It’s a real shit-show outside of Captain Beefhart & Her Magic Band. Bright side: Furie, that forkin’ awesome Vietnamese martial arts flick I mentioned last week, is still doing pretty well, expanding to 27 screens and holding steady from its debut at $164,000.
Higher. Further. Faster. Full Lister.
US Box Office Results: Friday 8th March 2019 – Sunday 10th March 2019
1] Captain Marvel
$153,000,000 / NEW
Dave Bond’s handling review duties on this one and the teaser he sent over says “mid-tier Marvel, but a star is born (not that Streisand shit)” before giving away the score that I’m not relaying to you in an effort to make you click through to the review. I also take offence to the notion that Brie Larson has only just become a star thanks to this movie, but I’ve been riding the entire Scott Pilgrim cast’s fan-train for almost a decade beca-OH GOD SCOTT PILGRIM IS NEARLY 10 YEARS OLD HELP ME.
2] How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
$14,696,000 / $119,662,125
The Game of Thrones finale trailer. There, I mentioned it. Everyone talk about whatever happens, just leave me out since I’m still about three seasons behind and unlikely to ever catch-up at this rate. Sincerely, though, have fun with it!
3] Tyler Perry’s A Madea Family Funeral
$12,050,000 / $45,879,810
I guess they shunt the Madea movies straight-to-DVD/Digital in the UK? That explains a lot, although I am still rather conflicted about it. Like, I can’t get fully mad because these are, by all accounts, terrible movies, but also true equality is letting terrible Black films receive just the same worldwide distribution as terrible White films get. I know that British theatrical release standards are not that high, I saw Status Update in cinemas!
4] The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part
$3,825,000 / $97,109,961
About a month ago, I came to you all definitively stating my belief that Joe Cornish’s The Kid Who Would Be King looked absolutely atrocious and almost completely dismissing the notion that it could possibly be any good. Well, it came out in the UK, I finally saw it last week and, oops, turns out that the film is utterly delightful and I enjoyed it more than I did Captain Marvel. Consider this my mea culpa.
5] Alita: Battle Angel
$3,200,000 / $78,346,064
Those whiney twits trying to start shit with Captain Marvel due to Brie Larson campaigning for the monstrous White Genocide crime of *checks notes* there being more diverse journalists/critics in the entertainment industry by attempting to force #AlitaChallenge into being a thing… did you actually, like, watch Alita? I mean, statistically, you obviously did not – not before this weekend, given the numbers, and certainly not this weekend, again given the factual proven figures in front of your eyes – but for sake of argument… did you watch Alita? Cos you do know that film is openly about the personification of strong take-no-shit femininity demolishing and emasculating the personifications of toxic controlling masculinity, and her unstoppable “OP” strength is actively reigned in by idiot overbearing men who need to learn to let her do her thing? EXACTLY THE SAME STUFF CAPTAIN MARVEL IS ABOUT and EXACTLY AS UNSUBTLE? Again, this is a redundant question since incontrovertible facts demonstrate none of these people went and saw Alita, but I just find it bizarre.
Hopefully this nonsense blows over fast cos Alita deserves better than this, it’s a messy yet entertaining and underseen film.
6] Green Book
$2,488,000 / $80,140,871
Next month, former producer Robin Bissell (who is White) makes his writer-director debut with The Best of Enemies, a feel-good true-story about how Ann Apwater, a Black female activist, and C. P. Ellis, the White male President of the Ku Klux Klan, slowly learn to respect and stand together with one another when forced into a discussion about school integration and please excuse me for a second because I am currently vomiting up blood.
7] Isn’t it Romantic
$2,410,000 / $44,154,720
It’s Shrek. It’s just Shrek. You know how Shrek spends almost all of its runtime openly poo-pooing Disney Renaissance movies as stupid and dumb and full of cooties yet is itself just a Disney Renaissance movie once you strip out the “lady doth protest too much” elements? Isn’t it Romantic – which, turns out, does not actually have a question mark affixed to the end for no apparent reason – is that for rom-coms, much like how Deadpool was Shrek for superhero origin movies. Also just like the first Shrek, it’s an enjoyable movie despite the giant broomstick lodged up its arse.
8] Fighting with My Family
$2,188,868 / $18,656,958
OOOOOH, REEEEEEEGAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!! *coughs and sputters for a solid minute due to throat not being cut out for intensive shouting* Ahem. Finally saw this last week and really liked it! Maybe I’ll talk properly about it someday, maybe I won’t! Point is, worth a watch if you’re yet to!
$2,161,000 / $8,252,735
That I guess takes care of this, then.
10] Apollo 11
$1,301,000 / $3,780,952
Neon figured that perhaps audience members without super-fancy IMAXs less than an hour’s drive away from them may too have wanted to watch an engaging documentary about the Apollo 11 moon landings, so bumped it up into 405 screens this past weekend. Maybe audiences didn’t much want to when you look at the objective figures, but these are the joys of Event Movie weekends that let surprise movies squeeze in, folks!
Dropped out: What Men Want, Happy Death Day 2U
Callum Petch was chaste in the chatroom talking about you.