People don’t watch that, they watch Star Trek, it’s Lights Out for expectations, Ice Age has a Collision Course with failure, Don’t Think Twice about these puns as I certainly didn’t, and Other Box Office News.
You know what? It’s rather a good thing that I totally intentionally held off writing a Box Office Report on Sunday night in time for yesterday, cos otherwise this chart would have been an absolute mess and totally out of date within about 4 hours of posting! I mean, not with regards to the weekend’s ultimate winner. Yes, Star Trek Beyond, despite following one universally despised entry that retroactively tainted the other entry in the Star Trek Crystal series, still managed to beat off all-comers with really shocking ease to become your new Box Office no. 1 with $59 million in ticket sales. I mean, it’s still $10 mil lower than Into Darkness opened with (which itself opened $5 mil less than the first entry in Star Trek Zero) and it’s more than likely to plummet cos Jason Bourne is along next week, but it’s a number 1 movie! That’s more than everyone involved with Ghostbusters can say!
Pets continued to Pets so the real story was the battle for third place, and what a slugfest it was. Initially, in estimates, Ghostbusters and the new release Lights Out were in a dead heat for third, with Ice Age: Collision Course bringing up the rear, but oh how just a few hours can turn some tides! Lights Out, based on a supposedly outstanding short film from a few years back that Lucy has seen so I’m just gonna take her word for it, held down third for a better-than-expected $21.6 million. But then, surprisingly, 20th Century Fox found $300,000 behind the back of the sofa at the same time that Sony mysteriously lost $600,000. So, therefore, Ice Age leapt up to fourth with $21.3 mil, whilst Ghostbusters sank to fifth with $21 mil dead, which is undoubtedly causing many Sony execs to start sweating bullets. I mean, sure, this is the worst domestic opening for Ice Age by very far, but I think we can all agree that nobody cares about Ice Age.
Elsewhere, after getting a rolling start in very limited release last weekend, cos all piles of repellent bullshit have to start tiny and insignificant, convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza’s final entry in his America trilogy – and, dear God, let it just be his final anything – Hilary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party went semi-Nationwide this past weekend. Conveniently timed for this week’s Democratic National Convention, where the descriptor “Shit Show” will most likely not be heavy enough to describe that inevitable mess, for this weekend, at least, nobody really bit and the film stalled out with just under $4 million from 1,200-odd screens for a per-screen average of $3,260. God knows what it’ll be next weekend but, if we’re lucky, there won’t be a second wind and D’Souza can then thankfully go fuck off back to the rock he crawled out from under, the weasely little turd.
In semi-limited release news, Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie finally finished crossing the Atlantic oceans, ready to prey upon the nostalgia of gullible rubes who remember when this thing used to be good thanks to endless Comedy Central re-runs and are too naive to realise that of course The Movie would end up becoming the very sad and hateful thing the show once mocked. Ahead of an apparently-planned expansion, the film took $1.8 million from 313 theatres for a sadly decent per-screen average of just under $6,000. But the real limited release story was Mike Birbiglia’s Don’t Think Twice which opened on just one screen – New York’s Landmark Sunshine – yet managed to take home $92,835, by far the biggest per-screen average of the year so far and one of the most successful one-screen openings of all-time. I guarantee that it won’t keep up that momentum as it expands – because, y’know, New York – but that is still mighty impressive and worth a round of applause nonetheless.
This late Full List goes ONE STEP BEYOND!
US Box Office Results: Friday 22nd July 2016 – Sunday 24th July 2016
1] Star Trek Beyond
$59,253,211 / NEW
I keep going back and forth on whether to see this. See, I’ve never watched Star Trek. It interests me, as anything that everyone else loves but I haven’t experienced interests me, but it’s also this giant imposing monolith to me by this point, with so many films and TV shows (and seasons and episodes) with different casts and continuities and some that everyone likes and others that are awful and pervert the franchise in some way… I just don’t want to come into it “wrong,” if you get me? That fear is what keeps turning me off. Plus, you know, there only being so many hours in a day.
2] The Secret Life of Pets
$29,607,210 / $260,985,955
Hey, I finally got that review of Pets done! Only took a full bloody month from first starting! Hopefully, assuming my current living situation plan works out, you’ll finally be seeing a load more articles from me this this week. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. Please.
3] Lights Out
$21,688,103 / NEW
Heads up, I will have absolutely nothing to say about this film for however long it stays on the chart. I hear that it stigmatises/handles depression in ways that would be considered brave if it existed in a vacuum and mental illness being stigmatised the way the film does so wasn’t the status quo, but I am most definitely not watching this film so I don’t plan on commenting. Ergo: I got nothing.
4] Ice Age: Collision Course
$21,373,064 / NEW
So, what domestic number will it take to finally kill the Ice Age series? I mean, this still exists purely due to the foreign dollar at this point, we all know this, but it can’t exist solely on the foreign dollar. There must be a domestic total low enough to make Fox execs go, “Yeah, we can’t justify this anymore.” Whatever that number ends up being, at least we’ll finally know what the answer is for every other prospective franchise in the future.
In other news: I’m about a third of the way through an Ice Age article that will go live on here by week’s end. I finish the articles I start, dammit! Eventually!
$21,009,831 / $86,266,570
The one silver lining I can get out of this is that we’re still basically guaranteed a sequel, cos Sony is still the same studio that saw The Amazing Spider-Man’s (relatively) mediocre box office and went, “Yep! That’s a safe bet! Let’s put all our chips on this one franchise and start plotting out 200 spin-offs and sequels right now!” Otherwise, yeah, any other studio and this would be covered in fresh dirt six feet under, right now. Fuck’s sake, America!
6] Finding Dory
$7,234,806 / $460,213,925
Having watched Toy Story this weekend, cos it came on TV and I thought why the hell not, I have come to the conclusion that this recent narrative I’ve seen cropping up of Pixar never having been that great to begin with to be goddamn bullshit. I understand the idea behind it – that their hot streak through the 2000s came at a time where the rest of the feature-length animation world was mostly producing garbage, and so we elevated Pixar’s works as a result due to not having better alternatives – but it’s wrong. Toy Story is legitimate genius and I’m looking forward to discovering most everything else still is too!
7] The Legend of Tarzan
$6,576,417 / $115,970,501
Up to $262 million worldwide. Still not a hit. Hollywood, folks.
8] Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
$4,385,285 / $40,343,032
Pleasedon’tsuckpleasedon-OK, I think you get the point by now.
9] Hilary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party
$3,964,646 / $4,056,170
Made the mistake of exposing myself to some of the Republican National Convention, even in edited chunks on The Daily Show, and now I just want to crawl underneath my bed covers and never come out again. Christ, I have no idea how people immerse themselves deeply in politics all day in the year 2016. I immerse myself moderately on most days and even at this level I’m basically going mad from it all!
10] The Infiltrator
$3,328,382 / $12,274,291
And, lo, nothing of value was lost.
Dropped Out: The Purge: Election Year, Central Intelligence, The BFG, Independence Day: Resurgence